This is a change of pace for this place I call my blog, both in that I don't think anyone actually ever reads this, and that it has a focused intent for the next few weeks/months. Doing a "Radical read-along" with many amazing folks through this amazing lady's blog has made me think I might just be crazy, and I've started getting strange looks from fellow Christians, which is always fun! So, here we go on a new adventure...
Am I willing to give up everything for the sake of the One who gave up everything for me? I give money to missionaries that I love and pray for. I help in fundraising efforts for mission trips going out from my church. Heck! I even went on a trip to Guatemala. I spend time with other people's teenagers, gladly (most of the time) loving them through their messiness. We try to find things to cut out of our budget so that we can support church planting and adoptions. I'm a pretty radical Christian right? Or am I like a ridiculously wealthy person who gives to charity to alleviate some guilt and also get a tax break? Some spoiled kid who does community service for the sake of getting out of more serious punishment?
I used to dream of being a missionary, living in a foreign land, loving people for Jesus. Then i got older, realized that was a lot of hard, heart-breaking work that I wasn't sure I wanted, married a man who has a hard time traveling to another state, much less another country, and laughed it off as the dreams of youth, like when I said I wanted to be an astronaut or a paleontologist or a lawyer. I decided (of my own volition mind you) that we (once married it becomes a we excuse, not just an I excuse) just weren't called to ministry, and we would just try to support our local church, and maybe go on short term stuff if we had the money. What?! Jesus included me in the "Go into all the world" part of the Great Commission, and yet I chalked it up to Him not meaning ALL the world since my husband doesn't travel well! Are you kidding me? What a wimp I am!
We just finished a sermon series on Luke at our church, and we kept coming across things like "let the dead bury the dead, come follow Me," and "sell everything you have, give it to the poor and follow Me," and "whoever wants to follow Me must hate their family" and my personal favorite "whoever preserves their own life with lose it, but whoever loses their life for My sake with find it." Meanwhile we're working through the Heidelberg Catechism with the youth and get to the Ten Commandments. In trying to get them to think of what idols are,, I tell them it's anything in our lives that we love as much or more than God. There is no competition, He is to be our only love, not one of many. At the same time I'm reading through Samuel, Kings, and Chronicles, and see all of the times that the people did evil in the sight of the Lord, defiled His holy temple, and had to be brought low in order to see their sin. Then it hits me, my relationship to everyone and everything should look like hate in comparison to my love for God, and it doesn't. My body is the temple of the Most High, and yet I have filled the dwelling place of my Creator with idols of comfort, family, financial stability, church activities, food, and have pushed the holy altar of God to the corner so that I don't have to feel obligated to lay my life upon it.
Jesus wants me to be healthy, wealthy, and wise right? Jesus wants me to raise sweet little babies who look like their momma, have brains like their daddy, and know Bible verses by learning cute little songs. Jesus wants us to retire early, send our babies to good colleges, and always teach them the importance of 10% to God and 10% to savings. Right? This is my future right? Wait, where does "deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me" fit into that? ummm, it doesn't.
What if we haven't been able to conceive because God has children for us who look like other mommas and daddys? What if God has given us the wisdom to get out of debt so that when He calls us to full-time ministry we don't have the weight of debt holding us back? What if He directed us to a church planting church so that we can be church planters? What if He gave us a beautiful home so that we can bring beautiful, desperate, pregnant women into a safe place where adoption is the answer, not abortion? What if He has brought crazy missionaries into our lives not just so we can support them financially, but to give us inspiration to go? What if I really believed what He said, and obeyed it? What if I let Him break my heart for the world that he longs to save, for the billions of people who haven't heard, for the millions of children without parents, for the people who are my eternal family? What if I stop trying to control everything, and understand that He effortlessly "upholds all things by the word of His power." (Heb 1:3)
In His sovreign plan He is working all things to conform me into the image of Christ, who is the exact representation of the nature of the Almighty Father. What makes me think that He should look like me? He is making me look like Him. With the word of His power.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
What's in a job?
Are jobs strictly the 9-5 (or more than likely 7-7,) makes money, has benefits, something to put on a resume to make me look great to prospective future jobs, commit my life to for better or worse, things that we do to fill our lives with purpose and meaning? Sadly, most people I talk to think of their job as a necessary evil, and yet treat it like all of those other things.
I have multiple jobs, very few of them pay me in the monetary sense of the word, and most of them make me very happy. Do I have days where I wish that I had the 9-5, get out of the house and make something of myself kind of job? Of course. But I would have to give up so many other jobs to have that, and it doesn't seem like a fair trade. My full-time, non-stop, best job ever is Wife to the Best Husband on Earth. This includes the sub-titles of Dog Mom, Future Mom of Baby Johnsons, Housekeeper, Gardener, Chef, Seamstress, Maid, Handylady, Laundress, Plumber, and many other waiting to be discovered talents. I get paid in kisses, and thank yous, and sometimes chores done by him rather than me (those are the best!) There are times when I do this job well, and times when I am horribly neglectful, but always I get to keep trying. And on the days I can't try anymore, I get the day off with no consequences.
I am also Family Caretaker. This includes baby sitting, taking folks to the doctor, shopping with people because that's their love language, being sous-chef for all family dinners, running errands all over town, and harassing people on FB ('cause harassment is their love language.) This job is hard because there is part of me that wants to leave and cleave (sometimes to Antarctica) and there is part of me that loves these people and wants to care for their needs like I have for almost 30 years. OK, well, I can't take credit for the first 5-10 years, it was a pretty one sided, my benefit relationship. I knew that once I got married that the Wife job would supersede the Family Caretaker job, but I didn't know how hard it would be to find the balance that doesn't exhaust and/or exasperate me.
Then there is the Crazy Person who Loves Crazy High School Girls. These girls are my heart! I hurt when they hurt, and their triumphs are my greatest joy. I am so proud of the women I see them becoming, and I can't help but love them. This is sometimes frustrating, sometimes exhausting, always rewarding work. It could be just 2 days a week for a couple hours a day, but sometimes turns into every day, lots of texts (thank God for unlimited texting!) or phone calls, or walks through the zoo, or smoothies and hard questions. I totally stumbled into this job, and yet God has richly blessed my heart through the beautiful, spastic, talented, emotional, loving creatures that He put in my life!
There is a job I do that makes money. It isn't consistent, most people wouldn't say that it qualifies as a job, and it definitely doesn't qualify as a job that a lady should be doing. Of course there was a time when the only acceptable jobs that ladies should be doing was nursing or teaching. And then there was a time in our country when the women had to step up, provide for their children, and take the place of the men who were at war. They did things that no one thought they could do, and our country survived through the determination of women willing to do whatever needed to be done. Thankfully, history has taught us that we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and capable of doing anything we set our minds and hearts to.
Finally there is the most unknown, misunderstood, unapprecaited job that makes my heart smile almost every day. This job doesn't have a title, set hours, or anyone I answer to. It can look like recycling, or watering plants, or asking people how I can pray, or taking care of snacks for preschoolers so that the man who usually does this can get radiation treatments without worry. It has an infinite number of functions, and it means so much to be able to do it. It's called church, and I love it!
I had a friend say to us the other day "Maybe God is preparing you guys for ministry." My response, though it sounds so cheesy, was truly from my heart without hesitation, thought, or question. "We are in ministry, every day, we just don't get paid for it." I knew what he meant, and it's a possibility. Though I still can't see how where my paycheck comes from is a determining factor of whether I'm in ministry or not. I think it all comes back to what is my job, and am I doing it with joy in my heart to the glory of God?
I have multiple jobs, very few of them pay me in the monetary sense of the word, and most of them make me very happy. Do I have days where I wish that I had the 9-5, get out of the house and make something of myself kind of job? Of course. But I would have to give up so many other jobs to have that, and it doesn't seem like a fair trade. My full-time, non-stop, best job ever is Wife to the Best Husband on Earth. This includes the sub-titles of Dog Mom, Future Mom of Baby Johnsons, Housekeeper, Gardener, Chef, Seamstress, Maid, Handylady, Laundress, Plumber, and many other waiting to be discovered talents. I get paid in kisses, and thank yous, and sometimes chores done by him rather than me (those are the best!) There are times when I do this job well, and times when I am horribly neglectful, but always I get to keep trying. And on the days I can't try anymore, I get the day off with no consequences.
I am also Family Caretaker. This includes baby sitting, taking folks to the doctor, shopping with people because that's their love language, being sous-chef for all family dinners, running errands all over town, and harassing people on FB ('cause harassment is their love language.) This job is hard because there is part of me that wants to leave and cleave (sometimes to Antarctica) and there is part of me that loves these people and wants to care for their needs like I have for almost 30 years. OK, well, I can't take credit for the first 5-10 years, it was a pretty one sided, my benefit relationship. I knew that once I got married that the Wife job would supersede the Family Caretaker job, but I didn't know how hard it would be to find the balance that doesn't exhaust and/or exasperate me.
Then there is the Crazy Person who Loves Crazy High School Girls. These girls are my heart! I hurt when they hurt, and their triumphs are my greatest joy. I am so proud of the women I see them becoming, and I can't help but love them. This is sometimes frustrating, sometimes exhausting, always rewarding work. It could be just 2 days a week for a couple hours a day, but sometimes turns into every day, lots of texts (thank God for unlimited texting!) or phone calls, or walks through the zoo, or smoothies and hard questions. I totally stumbled into this job, and yet God has richly blessed my heart through the beautiful, spastic, talented, emotional, loving creatures that He put in my life!
There is a job I do that makes money. It isn't consistent, most people wouldn't say that it qualifies as a job, and it definitely doesn't qualify as a job that a lady should be doing. Of course there was a time when the only acceptable jobs that ladies should be doing was nursing or teaching. And then there was a time in our country when the women had to step up, provide for their children, and take the place of the men who were at war. They did things that no one thought they could do, and our country survived through the determination of women willing to do whatever needed to be done. Thankfully, history has taught us that we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and capable of doing anything we set our minds and hearts to.
Finally there is the most unknown, misunderstood, unapprecaited job that makes my heart smile almost every day. This job doesn't have a title, set hours, or anyone I answer to. It can look like recycling, or watering plants, or asking people how I can pray, or taking care of snacks for preschoolers so that the man who usually does this can get radiation treatments without worry. It has an infinite number of functions, and it means so much to be able to do it. It's called church, and I love it!
I had a friend say to us the other day "Maybe God is preparing you guys for ministry." My response, though it sounds so cheesy, was truly from my heart without hesitation, thought, or question. "We are in ministry, every day, we just don't get paid for it." I knew what he meant, and it's a possibility. Though I still can't see how where my paycheck comes from is a determining factor of whether I'm in ministry or not. I think it all comes back to what is my job, and am I doing it with joy in my heart to the glory of God?
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Someday
Do you ever find yourself saying "Some day...." on a regular basis, and then get annoyed with your own wistfulness? I noticed lately that all of the things on my Some Day List are things that people in my life have that I don't, or things that I think I need to accomplish in order to be good enough, smart enough, and get people to like me. And of course, the things I need to accomplish are totally arbitrary things based on what I think will make me who I think I need to be. But, alas, the problem with my Some Day List is that most of things on the list are not things I can accomplish on my own, or even if I can accomplish them I can't accomplish them in the time I am allotting for myself to accomplish them.
In the mean time, my Surviving Today List always supersedes my Some Day List, thus making the Some Day List feel more and more impossible. Impossible? For shame! Nothing is impossible with God! But maybe some things are not likely since they are not within His holy plan to sanctify me. So how do I know what things on the Some Day List are good things that I should strive for, and what things are good things that I should not worry about because they might not be part of the Future For Sure List? And even, more importantly, what things should be moved from my Surviving Today List to the Some Day List, and the other way around as well, so that the lists truly reflect what is important?
I think the main part of my whole dilemma is that I am not very good at trusting that God really does know the plans He has for me. It's rarely a conscious thought, but sometimes there is a little part of me that wonders if He knows what's going on. Of course He does, my logical Bible believing brain says, but my illogical fearful heart still quivers like a chihuahua. They are plans that give me a future and hope, for my good and His glory, even if they don't make sense or fit on any of my lists.
In the end the Future For Sure List is the most important, most neglected, most out of my control list that I have. The Some Day List is overwhelming with it's unachievableness, yet to some extent I need to pay attention to it so that I am not just stuck in the rut of today. The Surviving Today List is oft forgotten, neglected, and sadly mundane, which is true of everyday life in general I think.
I think the most important question though, is why do women feel the need to make lists?! Oh Lord save me from my list-full-ness!
In the mean time, my Surviving Today List always supersedes my Some Day List, thus making the Some Day List feel more and more impossible. Impossible? For shame! Nothing is impossible with God! But maybe some things are not likely since they are not within His holy plan to sanctify me. So how do I know what things on the Some Day List are good things that I should strive for, and what things are good things that I should not worry about because they might not be part of the Future For Sure List? And even, more importantly, what things should be moved from my Surviving Today List to the Some Day List, and the other way around as well, so that the lists truly reflect what is important?
I think the main part of my whole dilemma is that I am not very good at trusting that God really does know the plans He has for me. It's rarely a conscious thought, but sometimes there is a little part of me that wonders if He knows what's going on. Of course He does, my logical Bible believing brain says, but my illogical fearful heart still quivers like a chihuahua. They are plans that give me a future and hope, for my good and His glory, even if they don't make sense or fit on any of my lists.
In the end the Future For Sure List is the most important, most neglected, most out of my control list that I have. The Some Day List is overwhelming with it's unachievableness, yet to some extent I need to pay attention to it so that I am not just stuck in the rut of today. The Surviving Today List is oft forgotten, neglected, and sadly mundane, which is true of everyday life in general I think.
I think the most important question though, is why do women feel the need to make lists?! Oh Lord save me from my list-full-ness!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
To write or not to write, that is the question
I recently started writing what in my head has potential to be a fantasy novel. It has potential in that I can see the characters, imagine their stories, and dream of their world. The problem is I only have one chapter. That's right, one chapter. And I have a great idea for a preface, and basically have the story already in my head ready to go. So, what's the issue? Why only one chapter?
There are so many doubts in my head I think they're getting in the way. This started out as a creative outlet, a way for me to do something just for me since I spend so much time "doing" for everyone else. Then came the question in my brain "could this actually be something?" Then J told me he's secretly hoping that it becomes something amazing, that many more people than just my poor, loving husband read it. Now I read other books and wonder if I can even legitimately count myself in the good-enough-to-be-published-writer category.
Meanwhile I tried to keep it a secret, but my doubts were overwhelming me so I told a few folks. Now I have the added pressure of people asking me how I'm doing on my book, asking me about progress, encouraging me to go to writers' seminars, and so on. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want the pressure and expectations that people who know and love you unwittingly put on you when trying to encourage you. And yet, I needed the encouragement...
Along with that I think if I ould just get a job we would be in a better financial position. BUT, if I get a job, then I don't even have time for basic house work, much less creativity. And here I am encouraging teenagers I know to be creative, let their imaginations come outside of their heads, but I can't seem to harness mine and tame it enough to let it come out in any semblance of order.
So, I sit, staring at a blank screen, hoping to get rolling on a preface that has such a presence in my brain it is almost tangible. How do you write when you can't get the words out fast enough to keep up with the story in your head?
There are so many doubts in my head I think they're getting in the way. This started out as a creative outlet, a way for me to do something just for me since I spend so much time "doing" for everyone else. Then came the question in my brain "could this actually be something?" Then J told me he's secretly hoping that it becomes something amazing, that many more people than just my poor, loving husband read it. Now I read other books and wonder if I can even legitimately count myself in the good-enough-to-be-published-writer category.
Meanwhile I tried to keep it a secret, but my doubts were overwhelming me so I told a few folks. Now I have the added pressure of people asking me how I'm doing on my book, asking me about progress, encouraging me to go to writers' seminars, and so on. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want the pressure and expectations that people who know and love you unwittingly put on you when trying to encourage you. And yet, I needed the encouragement...
Along with that I think if I ould just get a job we would be in a better financial position. BUT, if I get a job, then I don't even have time for basic house work, much less creativity. And here I am encouraging teenagers I know to be creative, let their imaginations come outside of their heads, but I can't seem to harness mine and tame it enough to let it come out in any semblance of order.
So, I sit, staring at a blank screen, hoping to get rolling on a preface that has such a presence in my brain it is almost tangible. How do you write when you can't get the words out fast enough to keep up with the story in your head?
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
What going to Guatemala meant for me
I got back from a trip to Guatemala a few days ago, and I realized that all the things I went there or were not things I accomplished. Conversely, all the things that God sent me there for were accomplished.
I signed up for the trip hoping to be on the team drilling a well. Then everything changed, the original location of a well was changed, we were doing a different water project first, and there was a much greater need for women to do Bible stories, games, and hygiene education with the kids. Needless to say, I felt like the old bait and switch had happened, but didn't want to admit that it was in God's will. By the time the trip came I had finaly conceded that maybe God knew what He had for me to do while I was there, even though I had no idea. My official position in the team was floater with an emphasis in VBS/hygiene.
First lesson learned, sometimes God doesn't make everything clear so that we can learn to trust Him and rely on His judgment more than our own.
Once there chaos ensued. We were not as well organized as we thought we were, and the people we thought would lead either weren't there, or didn't want to lead. Everyone apparently had their own visions for this trip, and it seems none of them were realized, or if they were it was not according to our plan. We got to learn patience, kindness, and how to do everything without complaint, even when everything seemingly deserved a complaint. We didn't have the option of mutiny, instead we had to find new ways to adapt to what God gave us to work with.
Second lesson learned, do everything without complaint, even when others are complaining. God is watching all hearts, you don't need to watch yours and theirs.
I thought that going to Guatemala was to help the people there. Silly me, God used them to help me. The whole time I felt like my heart was like a cicada. I felt like my heart came to the surface, and started breaking free of it's old skin to grow bigger. It literally at times felt ripped open by the smile of a child, or the hug of a sister who only spoke Spanish, or the laugh and snuggle of a baby on my knee. I had become comfortable in the amount of love that I showed my family (church family included) and had no idea that God wanted my heart to be bigger, in order to love people more fully with His love.
Third lesson learned, God is not content to leave us where our hearts are comfortable, He wants us to become ever more like Him.
Out of the blue once I was there I was asked to work on the well drilling team on Thursday and Friday. I had totally given up on the idea and didn't even pack clothes for this kind of work. Thinking I would be working in the mud in a skirt I dug in my backpack only to find a pair of pants I had thrown in at the last minute that worked perfectly. Two back-breaking days of work gave me such a great respect for the woman who does the same things I was doing for two weeks straight. One day I was pouring blood from my hands before I realized I probably needed gloves, to which someone found me gloves that worked. We were unable to complete the well; we pretty much ran out of materials. Worried that the community would be up in arms over us drilling a well and not completing it, I discovered that people are much more forgiving in Guatemala. They understood why we didn't complete it, weren't mad, and were glad that someday we would come back and complete it so that they could have clean water.
Fourth lesson learned, sometimes God says "no" or "not yet" and these are opportunities for us to learn trust as much as the "yes" moments are.
On Thursday night I was asked to present a devotional on Friday morning for the team. My heart panicked, but my lips said yes, which later I was a little angry at myself for. Everyone on the team was older than me, wiser than me, our brothers and sisters in Guatemala who would be there have obviously been through a lot more in their lives that I have, and I felt I had no right to stand in front of them and lead anything. In my room that night I studied, prayed, studied, then prayed a lot more. Finally I just prayed that I would get out of the way, and let God speak. In the morning I had a few speaking points, most of which I didn't touch. I forgot to get the Spanish/English Bible my dad had, and my Spanish interpreter decided to go for a walk at just the wrong time. Nervously, I started speaking from my heart, and somehow God helped me get out of the way so that He would be glorified. I don't really remember what I said, but I know I cried at how good God is. That's right, I cried in front of a bunch of people, but at least it wasn't selfish crying!
Fifth lesson learned, sometimes God humbles us so that in our weakness He can be greatly exalted.
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. - Philippians 4:4-8
I signed up for the trip hoping to be on the team drilling a well. Then everything changed, the original location of a well was changed, we were doing a different water project first, and there was a much greater need for women to do Bible stories, games, and hygiene education with the kids. Needless to say, I felt like the old bait and switch had happened, but didn't want to admit that it was in God's will. By the time the trip came I had finaly conceded that maybe God knew what He had for me to do while I was there, even though I had no idea. My official position in the team was floater with an emphasis in VBS/hygiene.
First lesson learned, sometimes God doesn't make everything clear so that we can learn to trust Him and rely on His judgment more than our own.
Once there chaos ensued. We were not as well organized as we thought we were, and the people we thought would lead either weren't there, or didn't want to lead. Everyone apparently had their own visions for this trip, and it seems none of them were realized, or if they were it was not according to our plan. We got to learn patience, kindness, and how to do everything without complaint, even when everything seemingly deserved a complaint. We didn't have the option of mutiny, instead we had to find new ways to adapt to what God gave us to work with.
Second lesson learned, do everything without complaint, even when others are complaining. God is watching all hearts, you don't need to watch yours and theirs.
I thought that going to Guatemala was to help the people there. Silly me, God used them to help me. The whole time I felt like my heart was like a cicada. I felt like my heart came to the surface, and started breaking free of it's old skin to grow bigger. It literally at times felt ripped open by the smile of a child, or the hug of a sister who only spoke Spanish, or the laugh and snuggle of a baby on my knee. I had become comfortable in the amount of love that I showed my family (church family included) and had no idea that God wanted my heart to be bigger, in order to love people more fully with His love.
Third lesson learned, God is not content to leave us where our hearts are comfortable, He wants us to become ever more like Him.
Out of the blue once I was there I was asked to work on the well drilling team on Thursday and Friday. I had totally given up on the idea and didn't even pack clothes for this kind of work. Thinking I would be working in the mud in a skirt I dug in my backpack only to find a pair of pants I had thrown in at the last minute that worked perfectly. Two back-breaking days of work gave me such a great respect for the woman who does the same things I was doing for two weeks straight. One day I was pouring blood from my hands before I realized I probably needed gloves, to which someone found me gloves that worked. We were unable to complete the well; we pretty much ran out of materials. Worried that the community would be up in arms over us drilling a well and not completing it, I discovered that people are much more forgiving in Guatemala. They understood why we didn't complete it, weren't mad, and were glad that someday we would come back and complete it so that they could have clean water.
Fourth lesson learned, sometimes God says "no" or "not yet" and these are opportunities for us to learn trust as much as the "yes" moments are.
On Thursday night I was asked to present a devotional on Friday morning for the team. My heart panicked, but my lips said yes, which later I was a little angry at myself for. Everyone on the team was older than me, wiser than me, our brothers and sisters in Guatemala who would be there have obviously been through a lot more in their lives that I have, and I felt I had no right to stand in front of them and lead anything. In my room that night I studied, prayed, studied, then prayed a lot more. Finally I just prayed that I would get out of the way, and let God speak. In the morning I had a few speaking points, most of which I didn't touch. I forgot to get the Spanish/English Bible my dad had, and my Spanish interpreter decided to go for a walk at just the wrong time. Nervously, I started speaking from my heart, and somehow God helped me get out of the way so that He would be glorified. I don't really remember what I said, but I know I cried at how good God is. That's right, I cried in front of a bunch of people, but at least it wasn't selfish crying!
Fifth lesson learned, sometimes God humbles us so that in our weakness He can be greatly exalted.
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. - Philippians 4:4-8
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