Fig leaves or armor?

Chapter 2 of 7 with Marla and friends, and I am conflicted. I preach to my HS girls often about our hearts, that changing our actions isn't nearly as important as our need for God to change our hearts. I feel like Jen Hatmaker gave me a dose of my own medicine this week. So, since I don't know where to start with this, and usually I can just free form ideas into the madness that is this blog, I'm actually going to follow Marla's suggested pattern for the week.

In a culture that elevates beauty and style, the Christian community is at genuine risk for distraction, even deception. - p 67

I struggle with this often. I come from a church tradition of always wearing Sunday best. I wore a dress to church every day of my childhood. It was the one day a week when my mom would curl my hair, she would even paint her nails for Sunday morning. I now go to a church where jeans, shorts, flip-flops, whatever, is the standard. It's almost as odd (culturally contrary) in my current church to wear a dress on Sunday as it would have been for me to wear shorts to church when I was a kid. Usually though I wear my "nice" clothes because if I didn't wear them to church I would have no need to even have anything other than jeans and t-shirts in my wardrobe. Here's my real struggle though: for a church that in it's actions says that particular clothing is not necessary for worship, I've had more conversations on a Sunday morning about clothes (hair, make-up, etc.) than about real heart issues. I have had more people ask me if I made the scarf I'm wearing that day than people asking how my heart is doing with our adoption process, or lack thereof. But before I start feeling all high and mighty, I know I'm the same way. I will comment on a million things I like about your outfit before I ask how I can pray for you this week. Some Sundays I get so concerned about what I will wear that day, and how out of control my hair is, that I end up fighting with my husband about nothing and not even taking a breath until I sit down in my seat at church. Most of the week I have no clue what I'm wearing, but somehow my heart is programed to care on Sundays in an unhealthy and unnatural way. What are Sundays for? Am I there for corporate worship, teaching, fellowship, and love or am I there to make a good impression, to make people think I'm all put together, to be noticed?


I don't know where I fit as far as my attitude about clothing. My current wardrobe is about 1/4 of what I used to have. But there are a lot of days that I feel discontent because I have the same 100+ items to choose from. I have had days where I smell something all day and then realize it's the pair of jeans I've been wearing for so many days that I can't remember the last time I washed them. Every time I sit down with a new knitting project my husband asks if I'm making myself ANOTHER scarf. I have walked away from a $2 t-shirt in the Target sale rack because I can't justify the purchase, but have splurged on a $20 (it's on sale how can I pass up that deal?) purse because I'm just tired of the one I have. I would love to say that I don't care about clothes, but every time my fashionable mom is clearing out her closet I get excited to go "shopping" for new things. I'm so contradictory it's embarrassing. I know I would have a hard time limiting myself to only 7 items of clothing because I would be worried that people would notice my repeat outfits, but if I'm being realistic I think I wear about 10 items of clothing on a regular rotation with very few substitutions. The problem though is that none of this matters. I could have half as many clothing items as I do now and still have a heart that is too focused on outward appearance. I could have twice what I have now and love my neighbor better.


I NEED spiritual clothes more than physical trappings. I need a belt of truth wrapped around me, and a breastplate of righteousness protecting my heart. I need shoes for my feet that make me ready to charge forward preaching the gospel of peace. I need faith that covers me like a shield and protects me from fiery darts of comparison, greed, envy, strife. I need the knowledge of my salvation to protect my mind from doubt. I need the double edged sword of the Word of God to pierce through to the thoughts and intentions of my heart. I need prayer to cover me like a cloak.


This is what I need, but often I feel like Adam and Eve sewing together fig leaves to hide myself from God and others.

Call to prayer

This is an edited version of  an email we sent to close friends and family. Some folks read here, but have not received that email, so if you fall into that category, here you go!

Hey friends and family!

We are sorry for the complete lack of communication lately about our adoption, but those of you who know anything about adoption know that this is how it is sometimes. We do not have any updates per se, and so we have not emailed with updates. Here is what has transpired in the last few weeks.

• We have received a few more pictures of our daughter, she is still beautiful, and our hearts are still in love with her sweet face.
• Her advocate, our sole source of information, has had some major family crises happen in the last few weeks, and has really had to focus on her life, which has, with good reason, pushed us to the background for a bit.
• We are still waiting for the US government to get things taken care of, and if you watch the news at all you know that there are so many other big things on plates of government officials right now, our little family isn't very significant to them.
• We still don't know if when to expect to travel.

As you can see, not much has changed. But, our hearts have changed in a big way. J and I talked the other night about where we are at, and both of us feel like it's time to really fight for our daughter. Unfortunately, there isn't much we can do tangibly to fight for her. Basically what we are being told is to stay out of the way and let the professionals do what they do. So how do we fight for our daughter from the sidelines? This is what God says to us:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. -- Eph 6:10-12

This is where our fight is. We feel that the delays, and the silence, and the chaos in the advocate's life, and the struggle in our hearts are not necessarily things from God, but some are attacks of the spiritual forces of evil. Our enemy does not like adoption. It is a beautiful real life picture of the power of God to redeem lives, and it brings great glory to God when his people hear his call in adoption. (James 1:27) I don't say that to make myself feel special, I say it because it is true. Just as marriage is constantly attacked because it is the image of God and his church, adoption is attacked because it is the image of our inheritance in the kingdom of God. So we are entering into spiritual battle for our daughter, and it will be a long and hard fight that will continue for the rest of her life.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because we need your help. Many of you have sweetly reminded us on dozens of occasions that you are praying for us. For that we are so grateful. Many more of you are praying even though we don't know specifically of it. If there are any of you who feel a heart burden for our daughter, or for us, it is time for you to stand against the schemes of the devil. Our God is great and mighty, and has called us as his people to fight for justice to reign on the earth. We are hands and feet delivering justice by caring for the poor, the orphans, and the widows, but we are also soldiers fighting in the epic battle against evil that threatens to destroy hearts and lives. We will not back down, we will not surrender, for the LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. (Psalm 46)

Dear friends, please pray. Pray against the schemes of the devil that would try to stop God's plan of redemption for our daughter. Pray for saving faith to blossom in her heart. Pray against the whispers of discouragement planted in our minds like flaming darts. Pray for joy in our hearts as we face this trial and are tempted to despair. Pray against the attacks coming on the lives of people involved in facilitating our adoption. Pray for their hearts to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. Pray against delays in the government. Pray for wisdom for our governmental leaders in regard to our nation, our family, and our daughter. Pray. Even when you don't hear from us for a while, pray. Even when you wonder what God is doing in our lives by calling us to this, pray. Even when you get tired of hearing us ask for prayer and want to do something practical, pray. Please pray.

Thank you all for standing with us in the first line of defense for our daughter!

Love!

D & J

What going to Guatemala meant for me

I got back from a trip to Guatemala a few days ago, and I realized that all the things I went there or were not things I accomplished. Conversely, all the things that God sent me there for were accomplished.

I signed up for the trip hoping to be on the team drilling a well. Then everything changed, the original location of a well was changed, we were doing a different water project first, and there was a much greater need for women to do Bible stories, games, and hygiene education with the kids. Needless to say, I felt like the old bait and switch had happened, but didn't want to admit that it was in God's will. By the time the trip came I had finaly conceded that maybe God knew what He had for me to do while I was there, even though I had no idea. My official position in the team was floater with an emphasis in VBS/hygiene.

First lesson learned, sometimes God doesn't make everything clear so that we can learn to trust Him and rely on His judgment more than our own.

Once there chaos ensued. We were not as well organized as we thought we were, and the people we thought would lead either weren't there, or didn't want to lead. Everyone apparently had their own visions for this trip, and it seems none of them were realized, or if they were it was not according to our plan. We got to learn patience, kindness, and how to do everything without complaint, even when everything seemingly deserved a complaint. We didn't have the option of mutiny, instead we had to find new ways to adapt to what God gave us to work with.

Second lesson learned, do everything without complaint, even when others are complaining. God is watching all hearts, you don't need to watch yours and theirs.

I thought that going to Guatemala was to help the people there. Silly me, God used them to help me. The whole time I felt like my heart was like a cicada. I felt like my heart came to the surface, and started breaking free of it's old skin to grow bigger. It literally at times felt ripped open by the smile of a child, or the hug of a sister who only spoke Spanish, or the laugh and snuggle of a baby on my knee. I had become comfortable in the amount of love that I showed my family (church family included) and had no idea that God wanted my heart to be bigger, in order to love people more fully with His love.

Third lesson learned, God is not content to leave us where our hearts are comfortable, He wants us to become ever more like Him.

Out of the blue once I was there I was asked to work on the well drilling team on Thursday and Friday. I had totally given up on the idea and didn't even pack clothes for this kind of work. Thinking I would be working in the mud in a skirt I dug in my backpack only to find a pair of pants I had thrown in at the last minute that worked perfectly. Two back-breaking days of work gave me such a great respect for the woman who does the same things I was doing for two weeks straight. One day I was pouring blood from my hands before I realized I probably needed gloves, to which someone found me gloves that worked. We were unable to complete the well; we pretty much ran out of materials. Worried that the community would be up in arms over us drilling a well and not completing it, I discovered that people are much more forgiving in Guatemala. They understood why we didn't complete it, weren't mad, and were glad that someday we would come back and complete it so that they could have clean water.

Fourth lesson learned, sometimes God says "no" or "not yet" and these are opportunities for us to learn trust as much as the "yes" moments are.

On Thursday night I was asked to present a devotional on Friday morning for the team. My heart panicked, but my lips said yes, which later I was a little angry at myself for. Everyone on the team was older than me, wiser than me, our brothers and sisters in Guatemala who would be there have obviously been through a lot more in their lives that I have, and I felt I had no right to stand in front of them and lead anything. In my room that night I studied, prayed, studied, then prayed a lot more. Finally I just prayed that I would get out of the way, and let God speak. In the morning I had a few speaking points, most of which I didn't touch. I forgot to get the Spanish/English Bible my dad had, and my Spanish interpreter decided to go for a walk at just the wrong time. Nervously, I started speaking from my heart, and somehow God helped me get out of the way so that He would be glorified. I don't really remember what I said, but I know I cried at how good God is. That's right, I cried in front of a bunch of people, but at least it wasn't selfish crying!

Fifth lesson learned, sometimes God humbles us so that in our weakness He can be greatly exalted.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. - Philippians 4:4-8

*** people of Earth, donate your blood ***

J and I are donating blood tomorrow at our church. DSC has a blood drive I think twice a year, and we both are excited to join with our church family to help save lives. While we have both donated before, we decided to do this at our church to encourage this ministry to our community to grow. There are a lot of people who desperately need blood, and even more people who have no idea how desperate the need is or how easy it is to meet that need. I was so excited to see an Extreme Makeover Home Edition the other day that addressed this national need. In it was a story of an amazing young girl and her family. My favorite part was that throughout the Makeover they held blood drives all over the country in this girl. Seriously, if you think donating blood is too much of a hassle, read Lizzie's story and then give of yourself so that someone else can live!

Lizzie Bell was born with a rare blood condition that is characterized by a failure of the bone marrow to produce red blood cells. Less than 700 kids in the world are stricken with this disease, and 14-year-old Lizzie is one of them. The only thing that has kept her alive are the routine blood transfusions she has every two-three weeks. If she gets sick, she often has to go to the hospital so doctors can monitor her and keep her stable.

When Lizzie was five, she and her mother decided to visit her local blood bank. There they learned that the refrigerators that should have been full of blood weren't. They didn't understand until that day just how desperate the nation is for donated blood, and decided to do something about it. The family established the John P. Bell Foundation, and for the past ten years little Lizzie and her family have been working hard to raise awareness about the desperate and ongoing need for blood donations.

Lizzie was given the Red Cross Hero Award for her ambassadorship in telling others about blood drives and donating blood. But while she's been helping countless others, the Bells' home has been neglected because of Lizzie's high medical bills. The home is sinking, has gaping cracks in the cement floor, suffers mold and termite problems and needs countless repairs. These conditions are dangerous to Lizzie's health and her vulnerable immune system, so it's up to Ty and the designers to help the Bells spread the word, lighten the load and give Lizzie a comfortable and healthy home.