Starting in on another read along with Marla, my heart is in a bad place. The book is 7 by Jen Hatmaker, and judging by the intro I think I will be exceptionally challenged by this book. It's not that I think I have an issue with excess in many areas of my life per se, more that I know my heart is wicked and twisted and even my non-excess is excess wrapped in self-righteousness. Romans 7:24 seems to be my refrain lately.
Marla invited us to do several things in this first week, and while I would feel more comfortable doing anything else, I think sharing my "right now" story is really what's best. Since my heart is in a bad place I think it best to just bear it out so that I can hopefully be more willing for God to work through this read along.
I doubt the mercy of God. My heart breaks to even admit that. I know that God is good, faithful, wise, holy, righteous, powerful. I preach God's mercy to our students at church, but in my heart, in my life, I fail to see it. I have come to a point of feeling like all God does is strip me down, he leaves nothing stable, nothing secure, nothing good. I've even started fearing that he will strike my husband dead because he isn't merciful enough to let me have that one good thing.
All of this is blasphemy. O Lord of glory, forgive my wretchedness, save me from myself.
The Lord gives AND the Lord takes away, I will bless his name.
I don't know why God put in my heart an overwhelming desire for children. I have no children. Even as I think that my students are stand in children, and love them passionately, I know they are not mine. The daughter I know is mine may never come home, in fact my heart is pretty sure of that fact. I sat with several moms of our students on Sunday while they chatted about life. One came to join the group and started asking questions about schools, going around the circle to let every mom have a chance to say the schooling choices for her kids. When she got to me she said something flippant which I know was just to move on to the next person, but it cut deep into my heart. In that moment I knew I was not part of the group, and I wondered if I ever would be.
I have two kinds of friends, the ones who are my age or older and have multiple children, and the ones who have no kids but are so much younger than me that I feel like I'm mentoring them. Both groups are far too busy to spend much time on friendship, and I am left in a no man's land of loneliness. Most days it's just easier to stay home, or go out and interact with strangers as I run my errands, than to reach out to the people God has placed in my life. I'm tired of pursuing friendships that no one has time for. I'm tired of trying to find commonalities with people who know they have very little in common with me. I'm tired of being lonely.
Then God gives me days where this is on repeat in my head all day long:
Let every man be considered a liar
If he doubts the goodness and faithfulness of God- Josh Garrels
And it hits me smack between the eyes: I have spent so long wallowing in self-pity, self-gratification, self-justification, self-(everything else) that I have begun to believe lies about God. There is so much more that God needs to strip away from me, the fact that he hasn't is evidence of his mercy.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Thursday, November 17, 2011
13
Yesterday you turned 13. I made you cupcakes. And I cried, A LOT.
I thought of the 13 years you have lived. I thought of the many losses you have felt. I thought of all the times you have been betrayed, abandoned, used. I thought of the fact that I don't even know the tip of the iceberg of any of these things in your life. I tried to pray for you, but there weren't even words to ask God for blessing for you. I wanted to say so many things that I couldn't say any. I don't know if you were even aware it was your birthday, and I almost hope that you weren't. I hope in my heart that you are happy, at peace. I try to pray for confidence for you, that you will join our family soon, but I'm not even sure I have this same confidence. I pray and hope and dream of what it will be like when we are together, and at the same time cry at the thought of losing you before you're ever mine.
You are mine. You will always be mine. You are a huge piece of my heart, have been since the moment we said yes. I walk in your room and expect to see you. I look at the space next to me on the couch and know that that's where you belong. As we head into winter I have added blankets to your bed, I don't want you to be cold if you come home tomorrow and I forget you need more blankets. I hug girls your age at church and know that it's nothing compared to the hug of my daughter. My daughter. My smart, compassionate, sarcastic, beautiful daughter. You are mine. I couldn't stop loving you if I tried. I have in fact tried to pretend that I don't love you, but it doesn't work. To stop loving you would be like going blind. It would be the end of life as I know it. I know that I would go on, but every breath would ache. My heart is broken by the thought of you. No one just walks away from this kind of break, it will leave a mark for the rest of my life.
So, the only option in my heart is to hope against hope that you are coming home. I put all of my eggs in this basket, and I just have to trust that it was a good idea. I know that God works all things to the good of conforming his children to the image of Christ. I know that nothing is impossible with God. I know. I KNOW. Even though all the unknown is overwhelming, I cling to what I know. I know that I love you. I know that God is good. I know that God is in control. I know that you are mine.
I thought of the 13 years you have lived. I thought of the many losses you have felt. I thought of all the times you have been betrayed, abandoned, used. I thought of the fact that I don't even know the tip of the iceberg of any of these things in your life. I tried to pray for you, but there weren't even words to ask God for blessing for you. I wanted to say so many things that I couldn't say any. I don't know if you were even aware it was your birthday, and I almost hope that you weren't. I hope in my heart that you are happy, at peace. I try to pray for confidence for you, that you will join our family soon, but I'm not even sure I have this same confidence. I pray and hope and dream of what it will be like when we are together, and at the same time cry at the thought of losing you before you're ever mine.
You are mine. You will always be mine. You are a huge piece of my heart, have been since the moment we said yes. I walk in your room and expect to see you. I look at the space next to me on the couch and know that that's where you belong. As we head into winter I have added blankets to your bed, I don't want you to be cold if you come home tomorrow and I forget you need more blankets. I hug girls your age at church and know that it's nothing compared to the hug of my daughter. My daughter. My smart, compassionate, sarcastic, beautiful daughter. You are mine. I couldn't stop loving you if I tried. I have in fact tried to pretend that I don't love you, but it doesn't work. To stop loving you would be like going blind. It would be the end of life as I know it. I know that I would go on, but every breath would ache. My heart is broken by the thought of you. No one just walks away from this kind of break, it will leave a mark for the rest of my life.
So, the only option in my heart is to hope against hope that you are coming home. I put all of my eggs in this basket, and I just have to trust that it was a good idea. I know that God works all things to the good of conforming his children to the image of Christ. I know that nothing is impossible with God. I know. I KNOW. Even though all the unknown is overwhelming, I cling to what I know. I know that I love you. I know that God is good. I know that God is in control. I know that you are mine.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Rest and reassurance
During our study tonight of imprecatory Psalms, God reassured my weary heart. We read several in our Community Group as an echo to the sermon from Sunday and to lead into discussion. As I read Psalm 9 aloud, I was reduced to weeping, and my amazing husband had to come to my rescue to finish the reading.
Here are a few verses that rocked my broken heart:
Salvation belongs to the LORD; your blessings be on your people! Ps 3:8
In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. Ps 4:8
But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you. For you bless the righteous, O LORD; you cover him with favor as with a shield. Ps 5:11-12
I will give to the LORD the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High. Ps 7:17
And finally the one that brought me to tears in the presence of dear friends:
The LORD is a stronghold to the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you. Ps 9:9-10
There have been moments in the last month that it has seemed like we are surrounded on all sides by evil that is conspiring against us. We are seeking to be faithful to what God has called us to in the church, we are fighting to love our daughter who is feeling further away every day, we are struggling to honor God in our marriage as we are tempted to get lazy. We are fighting in every aspect of our lives for righteousness, justice, mercy, and yet it seems the further into the battle we get the more we realize that evil in the world is much more pervasive, numerous, and crafty than we are prepared for. Our battle, indeed is not against flesh and blood, but humans are often used as mines in the dangerous fields we tread.
And yet, salvation belongs to God. We can lie down and rest because God sustains us. We are shielded by his righteousness. He is perfectly just, in ways we could never even comprehend. Though I am shaken, God will never be shaken, his throne is firmly planted.
By the mighty hand of God, for his glory, and for the good of conforming us to the image of Christ, righteousness will prevail. My daughter will come home. Our effort to teach gospel to teenagers will produce fruit. My marriage will survive. My friends will know that I love them. My city will feel the love of God.
And I will find rest in praising the one who made me, who redeemed me, who adopted me, who loves me, who leads me, who shelters me, who sustains me.
Here are a few verses that rocked my broken heart:
Salvation belongs to the LORD; your blessings be on your people! Ps 3:8
In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. Ps 4:8
But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you. For you bless the righteous, O LORD; you cover him with favor as with a shield. Ps 5:11-12
I will give to the LORD the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High. Ps 7:17
And finally the one that brought me to tears in the presence of dear friends:
The LORD is a stronghold to the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you. Ps 9:9-10
There have been moments in the last month that it has seemed like we are surrounded on all sides by evil that is conspiring against us. We are seeking to be faithful to what God has called us to in the church, we are fighting to love our daughter who is feeling further away every day, we are struggling to honor God in our marriage as we are tempted to get lazy. We are fighting in every aspect of our lives for righteousness, justice, mercy, and yet it seems the further into the battle we get the more we realize that evil in the world is much more pervasive, numerous, and crafty than we are prepared for. Our battle, indeed is not against flesh and blood, but humans are often used as mines in the dangerous fields we tread.
And yet, salvation belongs to God. We can lie down and rest because God sustains us. We are shielded by his righteousness. He is perfectly just, in ways we could never even comprehend. Though I am shaken, God will never be shaken, his throne is firmly planted.
By the mighty hand of God, for his glory, and for the good of conforming us to the image of Christ, righteousness will prevail. My daughter will come home. Our effort to teach gospel to teenagers will produce fruit. My marriage will survive. My friends will know that I love them. My city will feel the love of God.
And I will find rest in praising the one who made me, who redeemed me, who adopted me, who loves me, who leads me, who shelters me, who sustains me.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Bible induced angst
Final week of James with Marla, and also a bonus week of purge related awesomeness. Check out Marla's 31 days of purging, it'll wreck ya!
By the way, I just read this blog, and feel a little embarrassed because I say A LOT of these things on a regular basis, and probably drive everyone around me nuts. But I digress... EDIT: the link is dead, no idea what I was talking about, move on. :) But this lady has a fun blog!
I'm going to cheat a bit this week by actually being structured and following Marla's questions instead of just ranting and it not making a whole lot of sense. Go to the link at the top if you forget the questions.
1. James 5:1-6 is so hard on my heart right now. I'm not going to say I don't like it, but I honestly don't know what to do with it. We have had to make some very hard financial choices in our almost 4 years of marriage. God placed it on our hearts to be free from debt, while equally placing it on our hearts to give until it hurts. We have lived against the cultural mores of wealth and comfort in so many ways. We give water buffalo as Christmas presents for goodness sakes! But we are still better off than 99% of the world population. And every choice we make affects another life, even if the life is an unseen face half-way around the world. I am honestly paralyzed. God has graciously worked in me a givers heart, through the constant tenderizing of my husband giving our lives away, but I feel like it's never enough. There is always more I can do. There is always more I can give. There will always be poor, orphans, widows, broken people in every corner of my life and I will NEVER be sufficient. What good does buying fair trade coffee do in light of tens of thousands of people dying from famine? What is the point?! Maybe I just haven't moved past the lamenting part of this. Thankfully I have a God who is bigger than I could ever comprehend, and when I asked him to break my heart, he did. I just don't know what to do out of this brokenness.
2. Patience in suffering? I would love to hear what someone else has to say about this. Actually, no, I wouldn't because in the last 2 months I have probably heard it at least once from some well meaning person. Here's the thing, suffering doesn't come in just one form, and it often comes all at once in all it's hydra-like glory. Is waiting for ANY information about your soon (hopefully) to be adopted child suffering? In a sense yes. Is finding that you have no time to spend with your spouse because God has called you to a ministry that requires a lot of time suffering? It can be. Is relationships that you thought were solid (even ones you thought were growing into true friendship) getting unstable seemingly all because of your lack suffering? For sure it can feel like the worst kind of heartache. Is your co-workers attacking you in stupid petty ways suffering? Yeah, especially when it feels like sadistic scientists just testing the rat in a maze to see when he will just give up and die. Is people you don't have time to invest your heart in asking you for help suffering? Don't have an answer for that. I can say this though, when you are praying for patience in suffering, and "life" seems to pile on the heaps of chaos, those prayers become much more desperate. The refining fires of faith cause this earthen vessel to make a whole lot of noise (think random kid screaming for no reason) and lash out in crazy spastic ways (think Daffy Duck spaz out.) Gentle and quiet spirit, hmmmm.
The prayer of faith section gets my goat too. I grew up in a church where people prayed for healing a lot more often then they saw a doctor. I now go to a church where it seems like there is maybe more MD trust than I AM trust. And before you think I'm condemning the church that I call home, I'm pointing the finger right back at myself for all too often seeking medical advice before praying for healing. Now is the church that I grew up in right? I don't know. There were times where it seemed imprudent to have a sick kid (actively throwing up) in church so that people could lay hands on said kid and pray for healing. But there was also a man who had an imminently terminal diagnosis from a brain tumor that disappeared days after people prayed for him. If we are suffering we should pray. If we are cheerful, we should sing praise. And if we are sick we should have the elders pray for us. And the tie in with sin is just down-right confusing, and could easily cause people to think like Job's friends.
Brother James, why did you have to end your letter on such rocky ground for my heart? God, why did you see fit to include this as part of your words of correction, love, and encouragement? Why is my heart so wrecked by so many nuances in one little chapter of the Bible? Oh right, I am not my own, I was bought with a price. That price requires me to DO justice, to LOVE mercy, and to WALK humbly with my God.
By the way, I just read this blog, and feel a little embarrassed because I say A LOT of these things on a regular basis, and probably drive everyone around me nuts. But I digress... EDIT: the link is dead, no idea what I was talking about, move on. :) But this lady has a fun blog!
I'm going to cheat a bit this week by actually being structured and following Marla's questions instead of just ranting and it not making a whole lot of sense. Go to the link at the top if you forget the questions.
1. James 5:1-6 is so hard on my heart right now. I'm not going to say I don't like it, but I honestly don't know what to do with it. We have had to make some very hard financial choices in our almost 4 years of marriage. God placed it on our hearts to be free from debt, while equally placing it on our hearts to give until it hurts. We have lived against the cultural mores of wealth and comfort in so many ways. We give water buffalo as Christmas presents for goodness sakes! But we are still better off than 99% of the world population. And every choice we make affects another life, even if the life is an unseen face half-way around the world. I am honestly paralyzed. God has graciously worked in me a givers heart, through the constant tenderizing of my husband giving our lives away, but I feel like it's never enough. There is always more I can do. There is always more I can give. There will always be poor, orphans, widows, broken people in every corner of my life and I will NEVER be sufficient. What good does buying fair trade coffee do in light of tens of thousands of people dying from famine? What is the point?! Maybe I just haven't moved past the lamenting part of this. Thankfully I have a God who is bigger than I could ever comprehend, and when I asked him to break my heart, he did. I just don't know what to do out of this brokenness.
2. Patience in suffering? I would love to hear what someone else has to say about this. Actually, no, I wouldn't because in the last 2 months I have probably heard it at least once from some well meaning person. Here's the thing, suffering doesn't come in just one form, and it often comes all at once in all it's hydra-like glory. Is waiting for ANY information about your soon (hopefully) to be adopted child suffering? In a sense yes. Is finding that you have no time to spend with your spouse because God has called you to a ministry that requires a lot of time suffering? It can be. Is relationships that you thought were solid (even ones you thought were growing into true friendship) getting unstable seemingly all because of your lack suffering? For sure it can feel like the worst kind of heartache. Is your co-workers attacking you in stupid petty ways suffering? Yeah, especially when it feels like sadistic scientists just testing the rat in a maze to see when he will just give up and die. Is people you don't have time to invest your heart in asking you for help suffering? Don't have an answer for that. I can say this though, when you are praying for patience in suffering, and "life" seems to pile on the heaps of chaos, those prayers become much more desperate. The refining fires of faith cause this earthen vessel to make a whole lot of noise (think random kid screaming for no reason) and lash out in crazy spastic ways (think Daffy Duck spaz out.) Gentle and quiet spirit, hmmmm.
The prayer of faith section gets my goat too. I grew up in a church where people prayed for healing a lot more often then they saw a doctor. I now go to a church where it seems like there is maybe more MD trust than I AM trust. And before you think I'm condemning the church that I call home, I'm pointing the finger right back at myself for all too often seeking medical advice before praying for healing. Now is the church that I grew up in right? I don't know. There were times where it seemed imprudent to have a sick kid (actively throwing up) in church so that people could lay hands on said kid and pray for healing. But there was also a man who had an imminently terminal diagnosis from a brain tumor that disappeared days after people prayed for him. If we are suffering we should pray. If we are cheerful, we should sing praise. And if we are sick we should have the elders pray for us. And the tie in with sin is just down-right confusing, and could easily cause people to think like Job's friends.
Brother James, why did you have to end your letter on such rocky ground for my heart? God, why did you see fit to include this as part of your words of correction, love, and encouragement? Why is my heart so wrecked by so many nuances in one little chapter of the Bible? Oh right, I am not my own, I was bought with a price. That price requires me to DO justice, to LOVE mercy, and to WALK humbly with my God.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Humble Pie = Not Awesome
Today I had a very humbling conversation. By humbling, what I mean to say is that my heart is WRECKED. Everything that my friend said to me was very much in love, but the truth has ripped me open.
There was a lot of nuance to this conversation, and it was rather lengthy, but I walked away feeling like an utter failure. In summation, I have loved so passionately, without enough words and explanation, that people see my love as attack. I have given every ounce of myself to others, and they have seen it as me judging them. I have asked people to join me on the exciting journey of serving the body of Christ, and they have perceived me as a "works" person. I have honestly shared that I have reached the end of my sufficiency, and they wonder if I should think about giving some things up. And seriously, this was all said in love.
I asked J how I could fail so epically in so many relationships, and he really didn't know what to say. We are convinced that he and I could say the same exact words and people would see his words as loving and my words as mean. It's like how people sometimes see God in the OT as vengeful (mean bearded guy up in the clouds just waiting to strike down with lightning the rotten kids who won't get off his lawn) and God in the NT as loving (Jesus in his white robe, with flowing hair, carrying a lamb on his shoulders and smiling at the children at his feet) and miss the fact that this is the same God. Not that I think that I am God, far from that, but I feel so misunderstood.
I have prayed for a while now for a gentle and quiet spirit. Those two words are so contrary to my "nature" that it's laughable for me to pray for them, but God has been known to work miracles. Here I am, feeling like that has been for nothing, because obviously what is coming out is not gentle OR quiet. Abrasiveness is apparently my forte. I thought the goal was to look more like Jesus, not less.
So in my brain I go through all the externals that I can try to fix: grow my hair out, have less rigid posture, walk slower and with less "purpose", speak in lower volume and tones, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum. When really it is my heart that is the problem. If the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, self-control) were truly flowing out of my heart, all of these other things wouldn't matter. If I was truly reflecting Christ in my words and deeds, people would not see such sharp edges of me sticking out. Oh how Romans 7 was written just for me!
There was a lot of nuance to this conversation, and it was rather lengthy, but I walked away feeling like an utter failure. In summation, I have loved so passionately, without enough words and explanation, that people see my love as attack. I have given every ounce of myself to others, and they have seen it as me judging them. I have asked people to join me on the exciting journey of serving the body of Christ, and they have perceived me as a "works" person. I have honestly shared that I have reached the end of my sufficiency, and they wonder if I should think about giving some things up. And seriously, this was all said in love.
I asked J how I could fail so epically in so many relationships, and he really didn't know what to say. We are convinced that he and I could say the same exact words and people would see his words as loving and my words as mean. It's like how people sometimes see God in the OT as vengeful (mean bearded guy up in the clouds just waiting to strike down with lightning the rotten kids who won't get off his lawn) and God in the NT as loving (Jesus in his white robe, with flowing hair, carrying a lamb on his shoulders and smiling at the children at his feet) and miss the fact that this is the same God. Not that I think that I am God, far from that, but I feel so misunderstood.
I have prayed for a while now for a gentle and quiet spirit. Those two words are so contrary to my "nature" that it's laughable for me to pray for them, but God has been known to work miracles. Here I am, feeling like that has been for nothing, because obviously what is coming out is not gentle OR quiet. Abrasiveness is apparently my forte. I thought the goal was to look more like Jesus, not less.
So in my brain I go through all the externals that I can try to fix: grow my hair out, have less rigid posture, walk slower and with less "purpose", speak in lower volume and tones, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum. When really it is my heart that is the problem. If the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, self-control) were truly flowing out of my heart, all of these other things wouldn't matter. If I was truly reflecting Christ in my words and deeds, people would not see such sharp edges of me sticking out. Oh how Romans 7 was written just for me!
Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.
Take my voice, and let me sing always, only, for my King.
Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.
Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.
~ Frances Ridley Havergal
Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.
Take my voice, and let me sing always, only, for my King.
Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.
Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.
~ Frances Ridley Havergal
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