When did it become taboo to counsel people to trust God? Every time I read the Bible I am confronted with the same words, "Trust ME." God knows that I don't trust Him as I ought, so He has jam-packed His love letter to me with reminders of His faithfulness. Yet, when I talk to people about the things I'm wrestling with (Jacob style) they rarely counsel me to trust God. This is not a judgment on my friends, I do the same thing. So why do we not encourage each other to trust God? Are we too scientific for that, or is it that we are control freaks?
When I talk to people about our inability to get pregnant I hear all kinds of things. Some have suggested that I talk to their friends or family members who have had infertility issues. As if somehow a bunch of frustrated, depressed, confused, angry women in a room together is a good idea! Some have asked me why we haven't just done any number of fertility treatments that worked for some distant relative or friend of theirs. Right, because I'm made of money, and would love to spend everything I have on something that is a maybe, and for many women is a no. Some have laughed it off like, why would you want kids (while they are holding a screaming toddler who just doesn't want to obey mommy.) I admit, other people's children have the capacity to make me want to get a hysterectomy, and yet I know from talking to these same stressed out mommies that when it is good it is better-than-amazing good. And then there are the times where I just have to walk away while people are telling me that acupuncture, special foods, and adopting will magically open up my womb.
It is a rare friend who will tell me that they don't understand why this is happening, but they do understand that I need to trust God. I can't tell you how valuable that is to a person in the depths of despair. Reaffirming truth that the person already knows, not in a "please stop crying, this is awkward" way, but in a "I love you too much to let you deny the truth" way, can help them remember who is in control of this mess called life. Even in the times where it aggrivates me to hear AGAIN that I need to fully rely on God, I am eventually thankful for the reminder that I have to submit all things to Him, not just the things that I'm joyful about.
But how do I break the taboo around the truth? I guess that is where genuine fellowship comes in. If I am in someone's life, and we are holding each other accountable, then I should be bold enough to remind my friend to trust God, even when it hurts. I should be humble enough to hear it from someone who loves me enough to say it.
Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours be done.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Exchanging the Truth
There was a time in my life when I was searching for truth. I was in my early 20s, and I just wasn't sure that the truth I had been immersed in my entire life was legitimate. I don't know that I fully turned away from God, but I definitely questioned if Christianity was all it was cracked up to be.
I read the Koran, I studied yoga as a religion (at it's core it is truly religious, not just good exercise,) I read about Hinduism, and Buddism, and even Native American beliefs. I wanted to see what I was missing. What I found was that all of these religions have some similarities with Christianity. There are a lot of mythological stories that sound a lot like things I had grown up hearing in church. They're all basically the same. At least that is what I convinced myself.
Yet nothing satisfied my deepest heart longing. Nothing comforted in the moments of despair. Nothing satisfied the hunger that was eating away at my soul. There was aching, longing, calling within me that I couldn't deny. When I would go to church I would just weep, hearing God's word and singing praises to my Creator broke my heart. No amount of reading, studying, meditating, or explaining was as sweet as the coming of my Savior. My brother David Platt says it so well:
I can think back to the moment in my life when I realized that all religions weren't the same. It wasn't a day I can pinpoint, but it was about a year process of my Father running out to meet me on the road, clothing me in His righteaousness, declaring me His child, and bringing me into the family so that I could feast on the nourishing Word. He has disciplined me, brought me low, and forgiven the things that I could never have found forgiveness for through my own actions or made up righteousness. He has given me new life, and declared me worthy of salvation not because I am worthy, but because He is God and He declares it. The more that I feasted on the meat of His word, the more my hunger for it grew. But it wasn't the gnawing hunger of a lost and lonely heart, it was the hunger of fire shut up in my bones!
Then my Creator lead me to Romans, so that I could understand His story better. It took me a long time to get past Chapter 1. Here is the sweetness that broke my heart open even further.
I have studied my heart out, but God uses the foolish things of this world to confound this idiot who thinks she is wise. I have decided what I want to be as a wife to my husband, but God uses my weakest parts to bring glory to him in my marriage. I have decided that I will have children now, but God has made this barren woman rejoice in His house as the joyful mother of other people's children. I have searched for truth, but Truth found me.
I read the Koran, I studied yoga as a religion (at it's core it is truly religious, not just good exercise,) I read about Hinduism, and Buddism, and even Native American beliefs. I wanted to see what I was missing. What I found was that all of these religions have some similarities with Christianity. There are a lot of mythological stories that sound a lot like things I had grown up hearing in church. They're all basically the same. At least that is what I convinced myself.
Yet nothing satisfied my deepest heart longing. Nothing comforted in the moments of despair. Nothing satisfied the hunger that was eating away at my soul. There was aching, longing, calling within me that I couldn't deny. When I would go to church I would just weep, hearing God's word and singing praises to my Creator broke my heart. No amount of reading, studying, meditating, or explaining was as sweet as the coming of my Savior. My brother David Platt says it so well:
What would you think if I told you that the God on the top of the mountain actually came down to where we are? What would you think if I told you that God doesn't wait for people to find their way to him, but instead he comes to us? ... Let me introduce you to Jesus.
I can think back to the moment in my life when I realized that all religions weren't the same. It wasn't a day I can pinpoint, but it was about a year process of my Father running out to meet me on the road, clothing me in His righteaousness, declaring me His child, and bringing me into the family so that I could feast on the nourishing Word. He has disciplined me, brought me low, and forgiven the things that I could never have found forgiveness for through my own actions or made up righteousness. He has given me new life, and declared me worthy of salvation not because I am worthy, but because He is God and He declares it. The more that I feasted on the meat of His word, the more my hunger for it grew. But it wasn't the gnawing hunger of a lost and lonely heart, it was the hunger of fire shut up in my bones!
Then my Creator lead me to Romans, so that I could understand His story better. It took me a long time to get past Chapter 1. Here is the sweetness that broke my heart open even further.
18For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, 19because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them. 20For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse. 21For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. 22Professing to be wise, they became fools, 23and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures. 24Therefore God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, so that their bodies would be dishonored among them.25For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.How often have I professed to be wise and yet exchanged the truth of God for a lie?! How often have I chosen a pasteurized version of the gospel where I choose Jesus because I realized I need a friend? How often have I refused to see His setting me apart, His choosing me, His blood on my behalf, all because that was His will, not my goodness? How often have I worshiped the creature and called it the creator?
I have studied my heart out, but God uses the foolish things of this world to confound this idiot who thinks she is wise. I have decided what I want to be as a wife to my husband, but God uses my weakest parts to bring glory to him in my marriage. I have decided that I will have children now, but God has made this barren woman rejoice in His house as the joyful mother of other people's children. I have searched for truth, but Truth found me.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
What was I thinking?
This is a change of pace for this place I call my blog, both in that I don't think anyone actually ever reads this, and that it has a focused intent for the next few weeks/months. Doing a "Radical read-along" with many amazing folks through this amazing lady's blog has made me think I might just be crazy, and I've started getting strange looks from fellow Christians, which is always fun! So, here we go on a new adventure...
Am I willing to give up everything for the sake of the One who gave up everything for me? I give money to missionaries that I love and pray for. I help in fundraising efforts for mission trips going out from my church. Heck! I even went on a trip to Guatemala. I spend time with other people's teenagers, gladly (most of the time) loving them through their messiness. We try to find things to cut out of our budget so that we can support church planting and adoptions. I'm a pretty radical Christian right? Or am I like a ridiculously wealthy person who gives to charity to alleviate some guilt and also get a tax break? Some spoiled kid who does community service for the sake of getting out of more serious punishment?
I used to dream of being a missionary, living in a foreign land, loving people for Jesus. Then i got older, realized that was a lot of hard, heart-breaking work that I wasn't sure I wanted, married a man who has a hard time traveling to another state, much less another country, and laughed it off as the dreams of youth, like when I said I wanted to be an astronaut or a paleontologist or a lawyer. I decided (of my own volition mind you) that we (once married it becomes a we excuse, not just an I excuse) just weren't called to ministry, and we would just try to support our local church, and maybe go on short term stuff if we had the money. What?! Jesus included me in the "Go into all the world" part of the Great Commission, and yet I chalked it up to Him not meaning ALL the world since my husband doesn't travel well! Are you kidding me? What a wimp I am!
We just finished a sermon series on Luke at our church, and we kept coming across things like "let the dead bury the dead, come follow Me," and "sell everything you have, give it to the poor and follow Me," and "whoever wants to follow Me must hate their family" and my personal favorite "whoever preserves their own life with lose it, but whoever loses their life for My sake with find it." Meanwhile we're working through the Heidelberg Catechism with the youth and get to the Ten Commandments. In trying to get them to think of what idols are,, I tell them it's anything in our lives that we love as much or more than God. There is no competition, He is to be our only love, not one of many. At the same time I'm reading through Samuel, Kings, and Chronicles, and see all of the times that the people did evil in the sight of the Lord, defiled His holy temple, and had to be brought low in order to see their sin. Then it hits me, my relationship to everyone and everything should look like hate in comparison to my love for God, and it doesn't. My body is the temple of the Most High, and yet I have filled the dwelling place of my Creator with idols of comfort, family, financial stability, church activities, food, and have pushed the holy altar of God to the corner so that I don't have to feel obligated to lay my life upon it.
Jesus wants me to be healthy, wealthy, and wise right? Jesus wants me to raise sweet little babies who look like their momma, have brains like their daddy, and know Bible verses by learning cute little songs. Jesus wants us to retire early, send our babies to good colleges, and always teach them the importance of 10% to God and 10% to savings. Right? This is my future right? Wait, where does "deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me" fit into that? ummm, it doesn't.
What if we haven't been able to conceive because God has children for us who look like other mommas and daddys? What if God has given us the wisdom to get out of debt so that when He calls us to full-time ministry we don't have the weight of debt holding us back? What if He directed us to a church planting church so that we can be church planters? What if He gave us a beautiful home so that we can bring beautiful, desperate, pregnant women into a safe place where adoption is the answer, not abortion? What if He has brought crazy missionaries into our lives not just so we can support them financially, but to give us inspiration to go? What if I really believed what He said, and obeyed it? What if I let Him break my heart for the world that he longs to save, for the billions of people who haven't heard, for the millions of children without parents, for the people who are my eternal family? What if I stop trying to control everything, and understand that He effortlessly "upholds all things by the word of His power." (Heb 1:3)
In His sovreign plan He is working all things to conform me into the image of Christ, who is the exact representation of the nature of the Almighty Father. What makes me think that He should look like me? He is making me look like Him. With the word of His power.
Am I willing to give up everything for the sake of the One who gave up everything for me? I give money to missionaries that I love and pray for. I help in fundraising efforts for mission trips going out from my church. Heck! I even went on a trip to Guatemala. I spend time with other people's teenagers, gladly (most of the time) loving them through their messiness. We try to find things to cut out of our budget so that we can support church planting and adoptions. I'm a pretty radical Christian right? Or am I like a ridiculously wealthy person who gives to charity to alleviate some guilt and also get a tax break? Some spoiled kid who does community service for the sake of getting out of more serious punishment?
I used to dream of being a missionary, living in a foreign land, loving people for Jesus. Then i got older, realized that was a lot of hard, heart-breaking work that I wasn't sure I wanted, married a man who has a hard time traveling to another state, much less another country, and laughed it off as the dreams of youth, like when I said I wanted to be an astronaut or a paleontologist or a lawyer. I decided (of my own volition mind you) that we (once married it becomes a we excuse, not just an I excuse) just weren't called to ministry, and we would just try to support our local church, and maybe go on short term stuff if we had the money. What?! Jesus included me in the "Go into all the world" part of the Great Commission, and yet I chalked it up to Him not meaning ALL the world since my husband doesn't travel well! Are you kidding me? What a wimp I am!
We just finished a sermon series on Luke at our church, and we kept coming across things like "let the dead bury the dead, come follow Me," and "sell everything you have, give it to the poor and follow Me," and "whoever wants to follow Me must hate their family" and my personal favorite "whoever preserves their own life with lose it, but whoever loses their life for My sake with find it." Meanwhile we're working through the Heidelberg Catechism with the youth and get to the Ten Commandments. In trying to get them to think of what idols are,, I tell them it's anything in our lives that we love as much or more than God. There is no competition, He is to be our only love, not one of many. At the same time I'm reading through Samuel, Kings, and Chronicles, and see all of the times that the people did evil in the sight of the Lord, defiled His holy temple, and had to be brought low in order to see their sin. Then it hits me, my relationship to everyone and everything should look like hate in comparison to my love for God, and it doesn't. My body is the temple of the Most High, and yet I have filled the dwelling place of my Creator with idols of comfort, family, financial stability, church activities, food, and have pushed the holy altar of God to the corner so that I don't have to feel obligated to lay my life upon it.
Jesus wants me to be healthy, wealthy, and wise right? Jesus wants me to raise sweet little babies who look like their momma, have brains like their daddy, and know Bible verses by learning cute little songs. Jesus wants us to retire early, send our babies to good colleges, and always teach them the importance of 10% to God and 10% to savings. Right? This is my future right? Wait, where does "deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me" fit into that? ummm, it doesn't.
What if we haven't been able to conceive because God has children for us who look like other mommas and daddys? What if God has given us the wisdom to get out of debt so that when He calls us to full-time ministry we don't have the weight of debt holding us back? What if He directed us to a church planting church so that we can be church planters? What if He gave us a beautiful home so that we can bring beautiful, desperate, pregnant women into a safe place where adoption is the answer, not abortion? What if He has brought crazy missionaries into our lives not just so we can support them financially, but to give us inspiration to go? What if I really believed what He said, and obeyed it? What if I let Him break my heart for the world that he longs to save, for the billions of people who haven't heard, for the millions of children without parents, for the people who are my eternal family? What if I stop trying to control everything, and understand that He effortlessly "upholds all things by the word of His power." (Heb 1:3)
In His sovreign plan He is working all things to conform me into the image of Christ, who is the exact representation of the nature of the Almighty Father. What makes me think that He should look like me? He is making me look like Him. With the word of His power.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
What's in a job?
Are jobs strictly the 9-5 (or more than likely 7-7,) makes money, has benefits, something to put on a resume to make me look great to prospective future jobs, commit my life to for better or worse, things that we do to fill our lives with purpose and meaning? Sadly, most people I talk to think of their job as a necessary evil, and yet treat it like all of those other things.
I have multiple jobs, very few of them pay me in the monetary sense of the word, and most of them make me very happy. Do I have days where I wish that I had the 9-5, get out of the house and make something of myself kind of job? Of course. But I would have to give up so many other jobs to have that, and it doesn't seem like a fair trade. My full-time, non-stop, best job ever is Wife to the Best Husband on Earth. This includes the sub-titles of Dog Mom, Future Mom of Baby Johnsons, Housekeeper, Gardener, Chef, Seamstress, Maid, Handylady, Laundress, Plumber, and many other waiting to be discovered talents. I get paid in kisses, and thank yous, and sometimes chores done by him rather than me (those are the best!) There are times when I do this job well, and times when I am horribly neglectful, but always I get to keep trying. And on the days I can't try anymore, I get the day off with no consequences.
I am also Family Caretaker. This includes baby sitting, taking folks to the doctor, shopping with people because that's their love language, being sous-chef for all family dinners, running errands all over town, and harassing people on FB ('cause harassment is their love language.) This job is hard because there is part of me that wants to leave and cleave (sometimes to Antarctica) and there is part of me that loves these people and wants to care for their needs like I have for almost 30 years. OK, well, I can't take credit for the first 5-10 years, it was a pretty one sided, my benefit relationship. I knew that once I got married that the Wife job would supersede the Family Caretaker job, but I didn't know how hard it would be to find the balance that doesn't exhaust and/or exasperate me.
Then there is the Crazy Person who Loves Crazy High School Girls. These girls are my heart! I hurt when they hurt, and their triumphs are my greatest joy. I am so proud of the women I see them becoming, and I can't help but love them. This is sometimes frustrating, sometimes exhausting, always rewarding work. It could be just 2 days a week for a couple hours a day, but sometimes turns into every day, lots of texts (thank God for unlimited texting!) or phone calls, or walks through the zoo, or smoothies and hard questions. I totally stumbled into this job, and yet God has richly blessed my heart through the beautiful, spastic, talented, emotional, loving creatures that He put in my life!
There is a job I do that makes money. It isn't consistent, most people wouldn't say that it qualifies as a job, and it definitely doesn't qualify as a job that a lady should be doing. Of course there was a time when the only acceptable jobs that ladies should be doing was nursing or teaching. And then there was a time in our country when the women had to step up, provide for their children, and take the place of the men who were at war. They did things that no one thought they could do, and our country survived through the determination of women willing to do whatever needed to be done. Thankfully, history has taught us that we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and capable of doing anything we set our minds and hearts to.
Finally there is the most unknown, misunderstood, unapprecaited job that makes my heart smile almost every day. This job doesn't have a title, set hours, or anyone I answer to. It can look like recycling, or watering plants, or asking people how I can pray, or taking care of snacks for preschoolers so that the man who usually does this can get radiation treatments without worry. It has an infinite number of functions, and it means so much to be able to do it. It's called church, and I love it!
I had a friend say to us the other day "Maybe God is preparing you guys for ministry." My response, though it sounds so cheesy, was truly from my heart without hesitation, thought, or question. "We are in ministry, every day, we just don't get paid for it." I knew what he meant, and it's a possibility. Though I still can't see how where my paycheck comes from is a determining factor of whether I'm in ministry or not. I think it all comes back to what is my job, and am I doing it with joy in my heart to the glory of God?
I have multiple jobs, very few of them pay me in the monetary sense of the word, and most of them make me very happy. Do I have days where I wish that I had the 9-5, get out of the house and make something of myself kind of job? Of course. But I would have to give up so many other jobs to have that, and it doesn't seem like a fair trade. My full-time, non-stop, best job ever is Wife to the Best Husband on Earth. This includes the sub-titles of Dog Mom, Future Mom of Baby Johnsons, Housekeeper, Gardener, Chef, Seamstress, Maid, Handylady, Laundress, Plumber, and many other waiting to be discovered talents. I get paid in kisses, and thank yous, and sometimes chores done by him rather than me (those are the best!) There are times when I do this job well, and times when I am horribly neglectful, but always I get to keep trying. And on the days I can't try anymore, I get the day off with no consequences.
I am also Family Caretaker. This includes baby sitting, taking folks to the doctor, shopping with people because that's their love language, being sous-chef for all family dinners, running errands all over town, and harassing people on FB ('cause harassment is their love language.) This job is hard because there is part of me that wants to leave and cleave (sometimes to Antarctica) and there is part of me that loves these people and wants to care for their needs like I have for almost 30 years. OK, well, I can't take credit for the first 5-10 years, it was a pretty one sided, my benefit relationship. I knew that once I got married that the Wife job would supersede the Family Caretaker job, but I didn't know how hard it would be to find the balance that doesn't exhaust and/or exasperate me.
Then there is the Crazy Person who Loves Crazy High School Girls. These girls are my heart! I hurt when they hurt, and their triumphs are my greatest joy. I am so proud of the women I see them becoming, and I can't help but love them. This is sometimes frustrating, sometimes exhausting, always rewarding work. It could be just 2 days a week for a couple hours a day, but sometimes turns into every day, lots of texts (thank God for unlimited texting!) or phone calls, or walks through the zoo, or smoothies and hard questions. I totally stumbled into this job, and yet God has richly blessed my heart through the beautiful, spastic, talented, emotional, loving creatures that He put in my life!
There is a job I do that makes money. It isn't consistent, most people wouldn't say that it qualifies as a job, and it definitely doesn't qualify as a job that a lady should be doing. Of course there was a time when the only acceptable jobs that ladies should be doing was nursing or teaching. And then there was a time in our country when the women had to step up, provide for their children, and take the place of the men who were at war. They did things that no one thought they could do, and our country survived through the determination of women willing to do whatever needed to be done. Thankfully, history has taught us that we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and capable of doing anything we set our minds and hearts to.
Finally there is the most unknown, misunderstood, unapprecaited job that makes my heart smile almost every day. This job doesn't have a title, set hours, or anyone I answer to. It can look like recycling, or watering plants, or asking people how I can pray, or taking care of snacks for preschoolers so that the man who usually does this can get radiation treatments without worry. It has an infinite number of functions, and it means so much to be able to do it. It's called church, and I love it!
I had a friend say to us the other day "Maybe God is preparing you guys for ministry." My response, though it sounds so cheesy, was truly from my heart without hesitation, thought, or question. "We are in ministry, every day, we just don't get paid for it." I knew what he meant, and it's a possibility. Though I still can't see how where my paycheck comes from is a determining factor of whether I'm in ministry or not. I think it all comes back to what is my job, and am I doing it with joy in my heart to the glory of God?
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Someday
Do you ever find yourself saying "Some day...." on a regular basis, and then get annoyed with your own wistfulness? I noticed lately that all of the things on my Some Day List are things that people in my life have that I don't, or things that I think I need to accomplish in order to be good enough, smart enough, and get people to like me. And of course, the things I need to accomplish are totally arbitrary things based on what I think will make me who I think I need to be. But, alas, the problem with my Some Day List is that most of things on the list are not things I can accomplish on my own, or even if I can accomplish them I can't accomplish them in the time I am allotting for myself to accomplish them.
In the mean time, my Surviving Today List always supersedes my Some Day List, thus making the Some Day List feel more and more impossible. Impossible? For shame! Nothing is impossible with God! But maybe some things are not likely since they are not within His holy plan to sanctify me. So how do I know what things on the Some Day List are good things that I should strive for, and what things are good things that I should not worry about because they might not be part of the Future For Sure List? And even, more importantly, what things should be moved from my Surviving Today List to the Some Day List, and the other way around as well, so that the lists truly reflect what is important?
I think the main part of my whole dilemma is that I am not very good at trusting that God really does know the plans He has for me. It's rarely a conscious thought, but sometimes there is a little part of me that wonders if He knows what's going on. Of course He does, my logical Bible believing brain says, but my illogical fearful heart still quivers like a chihuahua. They are plans that give me a future and hope, for my good and His glory, even if they don't make sense or fit on any of my lists.
In the end the Future For Sure List is the most important, most neglected, most out of my control list that I have. The Some Day List is overwhelming with it's unachievableness, yet to some extent I need to pay attention to it so that I am not just stuck in the rut of today. The Surviving Today List is oft forgotten, neglected, and sadly mundane, which is true of everyday life in general I think.
I think the most important question though, is why do women feel the need to make lists?! Oh Lord save me from my list-full-ness!
In the mean time, my Surviving Today List always supersedes my Some Day List, thus making the Some Day List feel more and more impossible. Impossible? For shame! Nothing is impossible with God! But maybe some things are not likely since they are not within His holy plan to sanctify me. So how do I know what things on the Some Day List are good things that I should strive for, and what things are good things that I should not worry about because they might not be part of the Future For Sure List? And even, more importantly, what things should be moved from my Surviving Today List to the Some Day List, and the other way around as well, so that the lists truly reflect what is important?
I think the main part of my whole dilemma is that I am not very good at trusting that God really does know the plans He has for me. It's rarely a conscious thought, but sometimes there is a little part of me that wonders if He knows what's going on. Of course He does, my logical Bible believing brain says, but my illogical fearful heart still quivers like a chihuahua. They are plans that give me a future and hope, for my good and His glory, even if they don't make sense or fit on any of my lists.
In the end the Future For Sure List is the most important, most neglected, most out of my control list that I have. The Some Day List is overwhelming with it's unachievableness, yet to some extent I need to pay attention to it so that I am not just stuck in the rut of today. The Surviving Today List is oft forgotten, neglected, and sadly mundane, which is true of everyday life in general I think.
I think the most important question though, is why do women feel the need to make lists?! Oh Lord save me from my list-full-ness!
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