Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Watch and pray

Final chapter of the 7 read-along with Marla and friends. Like all of her other chapters, Jen Hatmaker does a fine job of blowing my expectations out of the water in this chapter on Stress. Did I expect her to ACTUALLY observe the Sabbath? Nope. Did I expect 7 sacred pauses? Nope. Did I expect God to wreck my heart last night during the Night Watch? ummm, no. Did I SO need this chapter? Yep.

Thank you mighty Creator of the Universe for making Jen Hatmaker just so, and gifting her in such ways that you can work in my heart through her words. I know she is a mere human being, but I am thankful for her messy, beautiful ministry.

Confession time. When I was younger I wanted to be a nun. I went to Catholic school for 4 years, even though my family is not Catholic, and in those 4 formative years I developed a strong affinity for liturgy and for nuns. I still observe Lent and Advent, not because anyone I know observes them, or because I come from a church tradition of such observations, but because my heart longs for periods of focused reflection on the Holy. I love being purposefully liturgical in our morning family worship, and enjoy seeing the unspoken liturgy of a Sunday church service at our non-denominational, Baptist-rooted-with-Presbyterian-leanings church. I was very upset when my parents laughed at my dream of becoming a nun, all I wanted to do is grow up to sing and pray all day. I know, that's not all that nuns do, but the only other thing I knew they did is teach and I didn't want to do that. Ironic because I teach teenagers every week. I also thought nuns were married to priests for a while, but was firmly set in my place by Sister Carol on that matter. (I will have you know, not all nuns are the sweet ladies from Sound of Music and Sister Act.)

I say all that to say that this chapter resonated in my heart. It brought up all those longings to sing and pray all day, longings I had laughed off as childish dreams. I don't think that 7 sacred pauses is much different from the intent behind God's command to the people regarding the covenant, for it to be ever before them and on their lips. It is no coincidence that God reminds his people throughout the entire Bible to remember his covenant, his character, his goodness now and throughout all generations.We are forgetful people, but he created order to help us remember. What a great and gracious God that he helps us in our weakness!

Here's the other part of the confession that I left out. I am terrible at praying. I am a "quick shout out while I'm thinking about it" or a "times are tough, so God I'm begging for help here" kind of pray-er. I am least often a "be still and know that I am God" pray-er. If it was my chosen vocation to pray 7 times a day I would go bonkers within a week because I am too distracted in times of prayer. Thank the Lord that he knew better!

"My prayers include rogue parenthetical thoughts:" yeah me too Jen. Me too. I love praying for people, but seriously can't go beyond about 4 sentences before I forget why I'm praying and have to look at my email again. I am of the MTV generation, and my attention span is evidence of that. I completely understand the need for "the bell" I would never remember to stop and pray if I didn't have an awkward physical reminder. (Lord, why don't I have an iPhone? I would pray so much better if I did! - yes, I admit I had that dumb thought. Then I realized my "dumb" phone could do that many alarms too.)

So, about the Night Watch. Take Day 6 (Jen's friend Jenny praying for the oppressed) and add in Day 14 (Jen's crying out for her adoptive kiddos) and that would be Night Watch for me last night. I have talked about this in depth already so I'll spare you the details and give you the quick version: we thought we were adopting a 13 year old girl, then everything fell apart. Ugly thorns and thistles have sprouted up in the beautiful garden of love for my daughter in my heart. So I read this chapter, turned off the light and just laid there. I tried to sleep, but God had different plans. I cried out for my daughter for hours. I have not prayed like that maybe ever. There was a moment when I was out of tears, and I raised my head to get some tissue and realized it was after midnight. God took my heart through the Night Watch on behalf of my baby. I may never know why God took me on this journey. I do know that at 1:00 am I prayed through the aspects of the Lord's Prayer with a deeper understanding than I had ever before. I was praying to my Father, who has infinitely greater love for me than I could ever fathom having for my daughter.

Marla asked that we share 2 things, and I would like to end on that note.

1. What’s something you feel burdened to pray about today?

I need to ask God what his plans are for my life. I want to just shut down, live just how I am now for the rest of my life, but I feel tugging in my heart for something more, greater purpose, harder but better things. I know that tugging is the Holy Spirit, so I need to ask, and be willing to hear the answer. I feel like that's a selfish answer, but at the same time feel like I have shut down any contemplation of the future as a result of the present being so hard that I just need to buck up and actually seek God for direction.

2. What’s something causing you stress that you could use prayer for today?

I have chronic pain. There are good days (2-4 on a pain scale of 1-10) and there are bad days (7-9) but there are no pain free days. This is not a new thing in my life, but has been at least a 20 year battle between my body and soul that has become more heated with age. I am hesitant to tell people of the current diagnosis because everyone either tells me I'm looney or tells me that Western medicine is a joke. (Both may be true but that doesn't help me right now.) The real point of stress in all this is that I need more rest than I am willing to give myself most days. The bad days I spend all day feeling guilty for not doing more, and the good days I drive myself so hard that I pay for it the next day. I need balance. I need to stop comparing myself to every other 30-something woman I know. I need to find real rest in Jesus.

Maybe I need to institute the sacred pauses to realign my priorities.

9 comments:

  1. I love you so much, friend. So, so, so much. Heading to a 2-hour root canal here in a bit and planning on praying (for others, not me!) for every bit of it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love you sweet Marla! I'm praying that your root canal is much more pleasant experience than mine was so that you are able to pray. Thank you for your service to so many in prayer and ministry.

      Delete
  2. Marla sent me over here, Danielle, and I'm so glad she did, as I sit here in my tears. Thank you for sharing this precious moment with us. I'm so moved. From one mediocre pray-er to another, much love to you today, sister.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My dear sweet Jen, thank you for visiting. After reading this book, and stalking your blog for a while now, I just love you in a way that would be weird if we weren't sisters. Thank you for sharing faithfully the work that God is doing in your heart!

      Delete
  3. praying that you would find balance and rest (although i'll admit that i'm as distracted as you and once i click away i'll probably forget how to finish the prayer. as an example? i prayed one morning because the previous day a twitter friend asked for prayer for her sister. i prayed that the tonsilletemy had gone well and that her sister was recovering. only her sister had her appendix out. oops!)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh, friend. Sorry that I am late in reading this. I am praying for you a lot these days and I love you so so much. Thank you for sharing your heart. I wish I could give you a great big hug!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Miss Katina, I miss your hugs! Come home to us so I can hug you! Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. I've been praying for your heart as well. I pray for you that as you offer your body as a living sacrifice to God that you would see it as an act of worship. So proud of the woman you are becoming sweet friend!

      Delete
  5. Hey there, beautiful friend. God's been bringing you and JJ to mind a lot lately, so lots of prayers being sent up on your behalf.

    Just wanted to let you know I moved the 7 Celebration to tomorrow instead of today. Jen is taking over the blog, and you can link up if you have any wrap-up thoughts about 7.

    Love you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey! Thank you so much for your prayers! There are good days, bad days, and days with a little bit of both. Your prayers are SO coveted!

      I figured we weren't doing 7 stuff today when I saw your post on Facebook last night about poor Ava, then checked in today to make sure. I'm glad that you know your limits and didn't try to make it fit into today. Get some rest dear friend! Love you!

      Delete